From bmorris@abl.afsc.noaa.gov Mon May 8 15:21:13 PDT 1995 Article: 10747 of alt.best.of.internet Path: news.reed.edu!usenet.ee.pdx.edu!news.netins.net!solaris.cc.vt.edu!swiss.ans.net!newsgate.watson.ibm.com!uunet!sunic!sunic.sunet.se!news.luth.se!eru.mt.luth.se!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!news.tamu.edu!cs.utexas.edu!news.sprintlink.net!news.interserv.net!usenet From: bmorris@abl.afsc.noaa.gov (Byron Morris) Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet Subject: Gothic Jokes (Retry) Date: 4 May 1995 16:37:03 GMT Organization: No Organization At All Lines: 183 Message-ID: <3oavrf$gcn@data.interserv.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: 161.55.252.74 X-Newsreader: AIR News 3.X (SPRY, Inc.) Status: RO X-Status: Found this on aus.jokes - sorry about the goof-up yesterday, I'm still learning usenet. Also, I lost the header for the original poster, apologies due there too. _________________________________________________________________________ > > __ , ,-| ~ , ,, _-_,, ,, ('||/__, || || ' ( // || (( ||| | /'\\ =||= ||/\\ \\ _-_ _|| /'\\ ||/\ _-_ _-_, (( |||==| || || || || || || || _|| || || ||_< || \\ ||_. ( / | , || || || || || || || || || || || | ||/ ~ || -____/ \\,/ \\, \\ |/ \\ \\,/ -__-, \\,/ \\,\ \\,/ ,-_- _/ Well I don't know how many of these were here before and how old they are but here goes anyway: -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----- What do you call a goth lying in the road? A speed bump. Two goths are walking down the road, one says "I just bought the new Love Like Blood CD." The other says "F_ck me, a talking goth!" How do you get a goth out of a tree? Cut the rope! Theres a goth walking down the road with a rat on his shoulder. An old lady walks past, stops, stares at the two and says "Yeuk! What are you doing with that revolting creature?" "Squeak squeak squeak!" says the rat. What do you store your heavy velvet cape in for the summer? Goth balls. Why is it so hard for goths to get work? Because all they can do is mope the floors are depress the buttons. What did the vampire say when he looked in the mirror? "So nice not to see you again" Wayne Hussey dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, he meets up with Gabriel who gives him the grand tour of heaven. While toruing he sees many familiar faces including Jimi Hendrix, Ian Curtis, Mary Shelly, and of course Nick Fiend kinda shows up once in a while... And then he sees Andrew Eldritch Sitting on a HUUUGE throne.. Wayne Says to Gabriel "I didn't know Andrew was dead!" Gabriel replies, "Oh, that's God(tm) He only thinks he's Andrew" What's another name for a gothgirl? A Crow-ho. What do goths buy at the liquor store when they don't have much cash? Crow-Magnums. "Waiter! Waiter! There's a dead squid in my soup!" "It's not dead Sir, it's just dreaming." What do you get when you cross Lee Iococca with a vampire? AUTOEXEC.BAT How many casuals does it take to make a hamburger? Who cares, just think of all the fun we could have putting them through the mincer to find out! How many "New Kids on the Block" does it take to paint a wall red? Only one if you throw it hard enough. What's another name for a gothgirl? A Crow-ho. What do goths buy at the liquor store when they don't have much cash? Crow-Magnums. "Waiter! Waiter! There's a dead squid in my soup!" "It's not dead Sir, it's just dreaming." What do you get when you cross Lee Iococca with a vampire? AUTOEXEC.BAT How many casuals does it take to make a hamburger? Who cares, just think of all the fun we could have putting them through the mincer to find out! How many "New Kids on the Block" does it take to paint a wall red? Only one if you throw it hard enough. How many fratboys does it take to wallpaper a room? That depends on how thinly you slice them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----- And now, the seemingly unending list of lightbulb jokes: How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a lightbulb? How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? Three, oneto change it and two to talk about Lord Byron's Grand Tour and creative uses of laudinum in a metaphysical environment. How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? None, but one has to light the candle. How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry. How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just embrace the darkness. How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to replace the UV tube, and one to put Floodland on. How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? , we have candles. How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the lights wouldn't be one anyway. How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change it for a purple bulb and one to plug the smoke machine in. How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? Six. One to change the bulb, five to scream "Turn that bloody light off!" How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? Dunno, but I see them all practicing at Slimelight, while dancing to the Sisters. The raise their arms in a stretching way towards the ceiling, twisting their wrists and returning their arm to their mid-rift, while walking backwards and swaying in the murky darkness. How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to do it, the other to bitch about how Andrew Eldritch could have done it better. How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and another to curse the first for putting a glare on the terminal screen while the second was reading alt.gothic. How many goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. (or more depending on your preference) I don't know how they fit in there, though! How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they prefer their bulbs dead. ================================================================== OK That is it for the moment..... oooooo OOOOO OOOOOOOOO oooo OOOoooo O oooooooooooooo OOOOOOOoooo O oOoooooooooooooooo O O oO OOOOOOO Oo O oooOO OOOOOOO OOOOooooooooooo Oo oO OOOoo ooOO OoOOooooOOOOO OO OO O Oo OOOOO OOOO OOo OOOOOO OOOO OOo OOOOO OO OOOOO O (Yes I do like the Sisters....) From tangent@uclink2.berkeley.edu Mon May 8 15:22:40 PDT 1995 Article: 10755 of alt.best.of.internet Path: news.reed.edu!usenet.ee.pdx.edu!news.netins.net!newshost.marcam.com!uunet!news.nyc.pipeline.com!news.cs.columbia.edu!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!news.mindlink.net!agate!uclink2.berkeley.edu!tangent From: tangent@uclink2.berkeley.edu (Hai N Tang) Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet Subject: ABOI: College Entrance Exam Followup-To: rec.humor.funny Date: 5 May 1995 05:40:37 GMT Organization: University of California, Berkeley Lines: 108 Distribution: Message-ID: <3ocdol$f5k@agate.berkeley.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: uclink2.berkeley.edu Status: RO X-Status: First of all, I would like to thank the people who responded to my previous reposts by either sending private email or following up to the appropriate newsgroup. Thank you for practicing Netiquette and keeping ABOI free of original posts. Please do *not* under any circumstances post a followup to alt.best.of.internet. Thank you for your cooperation. ----------------------------------------------------------- Origination: Joke of the Day Mailing List Originator: Scott Anderson Date: Mon, 01 May 1995 22:21:35 -0400 ----------------------------------------------------------- For all you that are preparing to apply for another school next year, here is something which we use here in Minnesota. U of M ENTRANCE EXAM- FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION Time Limit: 3 WKS 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY 4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one) 5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) 8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners 9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. 11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no 13. What are coat hangers used for? 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? 15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. 16. Where is the basement in a three story building located? 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin 18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? 20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting *You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify _________________________________ \___/ | To subscribe, send e-mail to | \___/ *---________-o O- > joke-request@tdkt.skypoint.net | -O O-________ | ## \Y/ | with the word 'subscribe' < \Y/ ### |\_* | ____ #_ | | on the first line | | _ ___# | |/|/ |/|/ \_______________________________/ \|\| \|\| W W W W || || W W W W \|/ \|/ \\||// \!/ \|/ \|/ \\||// \!/ \|/ \|/ \\||// \!/ * TLX 4.0 * Some minds should be cultivated, others plowed under...